Dear Restaurant Patron

Dear Restaurant Patron:

I am writing this on behalf of everybody who wants to enjoy their dining out experience, as well as those who wait on us.

First of all, if you are going to dine at a restaurant that is frequented primarily by young adults, young professionals and/or those out for a romantic evening, LEAVE THE CHILDREN AT HOME. Or go to a family-friendly establishment, such as Bob Evans or Golden Corral. Nobody wants to hear screaming babies and whining children when they are on a date or getting away from their OWN kids.

Secondly, if you are one of those people who is always cold, BRING A SWEATER. Please. If you complain to the manager that it is too cold, then they will inevitably turn the air up or off. Why should we all suffer when all you have to do is bring in a sweater? Leave one in the trunk of your car. The other customers, as well as the servers, will thank you.

If you are sick or not in control of your bodily functions, stay home. Please! I don’t want whatever it is you have, nor do I want to sit and smell your farts or see you vomit (yes, that has happened more than once).

On behalf of servers everywhere — A FAIR TIP IS 15 -20% of the bill. Servers depend on their tips to pay for silly things like the mortgage and food for their kids. This is not 1950 anymore. It is not acceptable to leave 2 dollars for a meal that cost $25 – especially if you received good service. If you are that cheap, either eat fast food where you don’t have to tip or go home and eat. Word to the wise…….servers remember the shitty tippers. See how long you have to wait for your coffee refill next time you come in. Oh yeah, lest I forget, leaving a religious tract in lieu of a tip may show your server the light but it will not pay the light bill. Remember that, ok?

Turn off your cellphone. Nobody wants to hear your conversation and you’re drowning out ours. Not to mention the fact that you are being rude to your dining companion. If you simply must talk, go outside.

Take your domestic squabbles elsewhere. Nobody wants to hear it.

Last, but certainly not least, nobody wants to change religion, be born again, buy whatever your children are selling or have a Mary Kay party. We want to enjoy our meal so please leave us alone.

Sincerely,

All the other Restaurant Patrons.