PREPARE FOR THE DRAMA. READY? THIS IS AMERICA IDOL.

PREPARE FOR THE DRAMA. READY? THIS IS AMERICA IDOL. This is the end of the road for one of the finalists. Ryan Seacrest leads the fashion parade with a spiffy Barney-purple tie, followed by Randy wearing a black denim embroidered shirt.  Paula kept the ‘girls’ covered tonight (maybe the air-conditioning was too much for them?) but her hair was on full alert.  The outfit was topped off with jeans and a buckle.  Buckle?  Evidently her and Randy got together and planned the “look” – let’s see, “Hee-haw meets the Hood.” Simon abandoned his Prince of Darkness couture yet again by wearing a white button down shirt. So very preppy of you Simon.

Next up were the requisite clips from last night, ever reminding us of the good, the bad and the simply horrible. Everyone was in ‘diva mode”. Of course they HAD to replay the exchange between Simon and Ryan. Come OUT of the closet Ryan…out, out, OUT!  I truly wonder how the gay community took that little exchange.

Another teaser – “America……your results are in.” However, before we get to hear them, we are regaled by the dreaded GROUP SONG disguised as a tribute to Dianna Ross. Fast forward – I had enough of the “Rossfest” last evening.

So it’s time to hear the results, right?  No, but “have you driven a Ford lately?”  That’s right boys and girls — the FORD VIDEO.   Being a very minor Ford stockholder I felt that ever-so-slightest obligation to watch.  Ok, I kept it on while I went to get a snack so I only saw bits and pieces.  The final 12 through the ages. Gee, could they have made Chris Sligh’s hair any bigger? It looks like it could house 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves AND a partridge in a pear tree. Seacrest, never one to miss a snipe, quipped “that’s a good look, Sligh”. So is your tie Mr. Seacrest, sir. We were duly reminded that the video could be viewed on americanidol.com. Last night’s performances could be viewed and downloaded there as well. Let me rush right off to do it now. In 10 years I may be able to get a few bucks for a Melinda or a Lakisha on E-bay.

Now we are down to the nitty-gritty. The 3 people with the lowest number of votes will be asked to step down to center stage, while the others will be asked to sit down. Dim the lights….dun, dun, DUN…..here we go. Lakisha….SAFE. Gina….SAFE. Brandon is next, already resigned to what he is going to be told. “America voted…you are in the bottom three.” No surprise there. Jordin…SAFE. Chris Richardon…”You sang “The Boss” and showed them who’s boss.” SAFE. Melinda. SAFE. Was there any doubt? I can hear Bob Barker on this one: “Phil Stacey, come on down! You are in the bottom three.” I’m a bit surprised at that one. Chris Sligh and his hair….SAFE. Stephanie…SAFE. Blake…..SAFE. And then there were two. Will Sanjaya or Haley be in the bottom three? More Idol-inspired drama – “You’ll find out after the break.” Nothing like deliberately turning somebody’s insides to mush. The government could use this kind of torture to get somebody to reveal State secrets. Sheesh. Let’s get it going already.

AFTER THE BREAK…..time for the American Idol challenge. Which one of these 3 American Idols (between Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, and Taylor Hicks) did Simon Cowell predict would sell more than albums than any other? Make sure you use those text messages and put more dinero in the already overflowing pockets of Simon Fuller.

Who will be the last one in the bottom three? Not now!!! We just HAVE to prolong the suspense awhile longer because we are going to be entertained!!   A special performance by Dianna Ross singing “More Today Then Yesterday” from her new CD.  New CD?  I remember that song playing on the radio when I was still decorating Barbie’s Dream House.  Have I been thrown into the DeLorean with Michael J. McFly?  The whole package was really over the top.   I must say that she was pure diva in a sizzling red gown, big earrings and even bigger hair.  Not my personal – ahem – cup of tea BUT, she does look good for her age.  Maybe alcohol really is a preservative.  Ryan tried to trip her up by asking who would be going home tonight.  Hell no, Mr. Seacrest, not falling for that one — “Me” was her answer.   Of course, it is now time for yet another commercial break.  Haley, Sanjaya…..have you started to crack yet?

FINALLY!  “Sanjaya and Haley….please stand up.” The moment of truth is upon them. “America voted. Haley (big dramatic pause) please have a seat.” Sanjaya is sent to stand with the other 2/3 of the bottom three. Is anybody surprised that they are all guys considering their less than stellar performances throughout?

Ryan decides to drag out the torture a bit more. “I can send one of you back to safety right now. That one is Phil Stacey.”  It is down to Brandon and Sanjaya.  Eeny, meenie, miney mo! “After nearly 28 million votes, America has decided that (insert another dramatic pause here) Sanjaya….you are safe.” Yes, he AND his hair are safe for another week.

So Brandon is handed his walking papers.  I would have liked to have seen him stick around for another week or two, mainly for my optical enjoyment.   Now to rub more salt, vinegar, Pine Sol and all other caustic material into an already open wound, a video montage of Brandon’s Idol journey is played. Shots of the tear-stained faces of the remaining eleven are shown. Sad to see him go but happy as hell they aren’t the one America said sucked.  To add to the complete pathos, we must not forget the exit song.  Oh, wait……time hath run out.  Segue into a commercial.   And then there were 11.  Stay tuned.