AMERICAN IDOL — WHAT AN UPSET!!!

Moment of truth….who will stay and who will go? You can feel the tension even before the show begins. The camera pans over the nervous contestants while it is being announced that “the ultimate prize is at stake here.” I’ll say one thing – this show has mastered the art of the dramatic build-up so, without any further adieu or introduction, the dreaded group song. The song du jour was Stealer’s Wheel “Stuck in the Middle with You” with each contestant being given their own little “solo” spot. Thank God for DVR…….fast forward, fast forward……. “Who will they be stuck with in the top 12?” Hopefully somebody who can come up with better jokes than that, Mr. Seacrest.  Ryan, looking like a funeral director in a black pin-striped suit, black tie and white shirt (or maybe he was trying for that “Maitre’ d” look), teased the audience with the “important Idol announcement” and “Carrie Underwood will be performing.” After letting us all know that 37 million votes came in, we were treated to a rehash of the good, the bad and the ugly from earlier in the week.  Some were worth a second look but the others only served to make me wonder for the zillionth time HOW they got this far.

Lakisha and Blake were the first two to be called down. “One of you will work with Dianna Ross next week and one is in the top 12.” SAFE. Duhhhhhh. Chris Sligh was up next. Asked by Ryan if he thought he made the top 12, he answered “For fear of looking stupid, I’ll say I hope.” Ryan, puppet master extraordinaire, decides to help Chris’ anal orifice pucker and gonads retract by telling him he has to wait until after the break. Talk about pulling the hair out of your nose one by one. After the break when Chris was told he was safe, you could almost hear his gonads snap back into place. Whew. Jordin Sparks was next. Safe. Who is getting the ax? Phil is center stage. Dude….if you are going to purposely go bald, then what is with the hats? Those things you’ve been wearing look like a condom sitting atop a big penis. Either show the dome or grow your hair but lose the hats! He is safe and looked quite shocked about it. I know he thought he was going home after that terrible rendition of the LeAnn Rimes song. You got a free pass so make the most of it. No more wimpy songs, ok? Jared was next and much to his surprise, he is going home. He’s not a bad singer and Randy gave some great advice about originality. I don’t think that Beaver Cleaver sweater he wore on Tuesday night helped his case any either. Now the – yuck, yuck, yuck – exit song. I still wonder what would happen if someone just flat out refused to sing it. It’s not like they can be fired. During the song, the requisite close-ups of the tear-stained faces of those who are staying and those who have yet to face the music were shown. Nice close up of Antonella in tears (realizing denial really IS a river in Egypt?). Paula was on her feet dancing so I guess you could say he went out with a bang.

Back from the break and right into the -cha CHING – American Idol challenge. Which former AI contestant has a current #1 album? The choices were Ace Young, Chicken Little Covais and Chris Daughtry. Can you say duhhhhhhh? It’s an easy question but the odds of winning are worse than the multi-state, mega-ball lottery. After the plug that puts more silver into Simon Fuller’s pockets, they finally got back to the nervous contestants. Next up was Brandon and Melinda. Brandon was iffy but we all knew Melinda wasn’t going anywhere. Prolonging the drama, Ryan asked “Do you think there’s room for 2 back-up singers in the top 12? The vote is in…..yes there is.” A very relieved Brandon and Melinda got to sit down. Now on to Gina and Chris Richardson who are both nervously holding hands and awaiting the verdict. It’s a good thing they get along as they’ll be spending a lot more time together. Another nerve-wracking break while the show segues into a “this is your life” commentary on Carrie Underwood, followed by a special performance by the lady herself. What a difference a week makes…Kelly Pickler v. Carrie Underwood. Is there any comparison? Ms. Barba….are you listening? This is what a real American Idol sounds like. Do you honestly think you measure up? We will soon find out as she takes center stage with Stephanie. Antonella looks nervous as hell and with good reason: America voted…..she is going home. Actually, I’m a little surprised because I thought she’d skate through a little longer on her looks. America has not exactly been on the mark this season, but I stand corrected. My faith has been restored but certainly not for long. Haley and Sabrina face the music next. Ryan pulls no punches, “One of you is staying and one of you is going home.” When Ryan told Haley she could sit down, you could almost hear the collective gasp from the audience – AND from the judges. Even Haley herself looked shocked because she just knew she was going to go. And based on all her past performances, she should have. Ryan asked Randy (who, if you ask me, looked really, really pissed off) if he thought the right decision had been made about Sabrina and he said that she belonged in the top 12. He said that America made a mistake.  Dawg, you got it right on with that one.   I guess I’ll be passing out the Miracle Ears after all. This was one of the few times I was glad for the exit song…..she kicked it and showed America that it did, indeed, make a huge mistake.

After the commercial break, the big Idol announcement was made. American Idol is giving back and using the power of the show to address the extreme poverty children live in all over the world, including the US. Simon and Ryan have already traveled to Africa and there were some great video shots of them interacting with the children. Simon is a big mush after all. For laughs, there was a great shot of Ryan trying to balance a huge wooden bowl full of bananas on his head. The funny part was that the bowl was almost as big as he is. Randy announced he will be traveling to Louisiana and the areas still hurting from Katrina. On Tuesday, April 24th, the top 6 will perform the theme of “inspirational songs”, and for every vote cast, the show’s sponsors and Ford will donate money to this charity.  I just wish they would have said how much.  On Wednesday of that week, the viewers will also be able to directly contribute through a toll-free line or the internet. For more details, americanidol.com.

The moment of truth is up for Sanjaya and Sundance. One will be taking the final place in top 12. Is it Sundance or Sanjaya? “We’ll find out live after the break.” So they get to stand there for another 5 bowel-liquidating minutes. You could see them clenching their cheeks together. Sanjaya looked like he was about to projectile vomit all over Ryan’s black suit. Holy shit: My theory about music since MTV turned pussy has been proven….America hates anything that isn’t commercially BO-ring.  In a direct competition between substance and pure fluff, the fluff will win every time.  I truly hope that Gina Glockson will be the exception to that rule, even though it is unlikely at this point that she will be the next Idol.   Sundance is going home and Sanjaya, whose showing has been – at best – boring – is staying. Paula was speechless. Simon was asked what happened and he replied, “The volume was turned down.” I think so. Do people really LISTEN to the music anymore? Or do they just sit with the volume off looking to see who is wearing what?  I’ll miss Sundance. He really showed his chops these last two weeks and I don’t care what anybody says, his rendition of Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy” was kick ass. To add insult to injury, we are all treated to a trip down memory lane for those voted off contestants. I particularly loved the shot of Simon telling Sundance after his audition that he would be surprised if he didn’t make the finals.  Was that Fox’s way of letting the voters know that they are tone deaf?

Next week the contestants will be working with Diana Ross. In the meantime I will fill up my sack, jump on my magic carpet and deliver a miracle ear to each and every member of the voting public. I’ll even include the batteries. Until next week.