American Idol Results….Say Good-bye to Chris Sligh (sigh)

The heat is on. Tonight we hit single digits. Two questions: who will be going home and how will Sanjaya wear his hair? Remember, sometimes it’s only one bad performance that will send a contestant swirling down the drain like the baby with the “bath water”.

Enter Ryan Seacrest looking like a deranged rooster – oh, wait – it’s Sanjooster! The camera pans over to Sanjaya, who is laughing and obviously not realizing that the joke is on him. Simon looked bemused but Randy looked ready to upchuck his din-din. OK, Ryan, the joke’s over. The real thing had to be painful enough to endure but the fake version looked painfully hot.

Sooooooo, on to the recaps from last night. “No Doubt it was going to be a big night.” Who is going home? We’ll find out. AFTER THE BREAK (what else is new?)

Did you know that there were mustangs in the old west? Ford mustangs that is. Yes folks, it is the dreaded FORD COMMERCIAL and the contestants were telling us all that they “Fought the Law and the Law Won.” I fought fast-forwarding this monstrosity so I guess the sponsor won.

Here we go. Dim the lights. Ryan announced that the three people with the lowest number of votes will be called down to the center of the stage. Dramatic pause. America voted and Blake is SAFE. Lakisha – SAFE. Phil — is in the bottom three. Again. Only this time, I really don’t feel he belongs there. Melinda is SAFE (obviously). Chris Richardson, after a reminder that he was in the bottom two last week is….SAFE.

Sanjaya. He’s going home tonight, of course. He has to be. This is a singing competition after all. Wait a minute! What’s that? Holy mighty mohawk Batman! Sanjaya is SAFE. Not even in the bottom three. Simon must be mentally calculating his severence pay because it’s looking more and more like Sanjaya will be staying around for awhile.

Haley McPhee — is in the bottom three. No surprise there. Evidently her performance was as forgettable as Simon said it was. Jordin is SAFE. This leaves either Chris Sligh or Gina to join Phil and Haley center stage. But….not until AFTER YET ANOTHER COMMERCIAL BREAK. Ohmmmmmm (great for the nerves).

Before letting poor Gina and Chris out of their collective misery, we have to hear the American Idol challenge. A question I totally missed due to a doggy potty emergency. I did see Bo Bice, Taylor Hicks and Reuben Studdard through the window, so it must have been some question about an Alabama contestant. Oh well, I never enter anyhow. And I also missed most of the “Idol gives back” dialogue, although I did catch something about Exxon and a donation. Why don’t they ever announce the amount? The public wants to know!

And now a real treat (for me anyhow) – a live performance by the lady herself, Gwen Stefani and Akon. The Sweet Escape. I just loved the hell out of the whole performance, from the song all the way to the 1940’s inspired style of the back-up dancers. And Gwen looked rather nostalgic herself in a white shirt, black sequin bib shorts, black tie, black tights and white stilettos. Perfection.

The attention is finally back on Chris and Gina who by now have probably made a meal of their fingernails. Who will be joining Haley and Phil in the bottom three? America voted and much to Gina’s relief, she can sit down as Chris just didn’t make the cut this week.

So, there they are. I’m still can’t believe that I’m not seeing Sanjaya there. Ryan announces that he’ll be sending one contestant back to safety. He started with Haley, who thought she was getting a quick trip back to her seat. EHHHH!! Not yet little missy. You get to sweat it out a bit longer. Phil is the one who gets to sit.

It is now Chris and Haley who are literally facing the music. America voted and Chris will be going home. DAMN! Like I said, sometimes it only takes one bad performance to be sent home. Maybe it is like when a person is expected to excel and they don’t — we get disappointed and retaliate. Face it – we all expect Haley to sort of suck so she’s forgiven when she sort of does. And Sanjaya, well, I won’t even go there.

Of course, we now have to be entertained by that great American Idol contribution to emotional torture – the exit video of the ousted contestant’s Idol “journey”. Let’s rub MORE salt into the open wound. Ugh. And what’s this? We have time for another salt-rubber – the exit song. I say this every time…….one of these days I really wish one of them would just say “oh hell no”. So Chris picks up the mike for the last time on the Idol stage. He says his good-byes and tells Phil that he owes him 50 bucks. At least we’ll see him on the Idol tour. I certainly hope he keeps his sense of humor. Chris, you really DID bring chubby back.

Next week the contestants will be leaving their hearts in San Francisco with Tony Bennett. Until then…………….

“NO DOUBT” it will be a great show. How will they fare?

After working with Gwen Stefani, is there ‘No Doubt’ regarding who is going to stay? I’m sure the big question in everyone’s mind really is: How will Sanjaya fare? Will Haley shimmy herself into staying yet another week? All I can say is……

THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL…

Since the show is blessedly down to 60 minutes, the judges’ intro. was quick. Randy and Simon both opted for the dark look, while Paula had that librarian-hooker thing going. Now we segue to Gwen Stefani, this week’s celebrity mentor, and a rehash of her very successful career. KUDOS for Idol for getting somebody as hip and contemporary as her on the show. The featured songs this evening will be from Gwen and No Doubt, as well as the artists that have inspired her. Interestingly, she stated that alot of the artists she loves aren’t really known for their big singing voices, but more about their personality, their characters and their style. Hmmmm, could this be a ‘get out of jail free’ card for Sanjaya?

Lakisha drew the short straw of going first. Her song choice was Donna Summer’s “Last Dance” and Gwen said she “made her sweat” (this is a good thing) and that she should be asking Lakisha for advice. And she didn’t disappoint. A typically great Lakisha performance although not quite as good as the original. Randy loved the upbeat song, the boots….. “a real fly diva”. Paula acknowledged an excellent job as Donna Summer is not easy to sing. Simon loved the boots and the fact she looked 30 years younger than last week. Called it a “great vocal”. So the night got off to a good start.

Next up to the plate was Chris Sligh who remarked he likes to spend his down time knitting, crocheting and playing the bongos in his boxer shorts. Ouch!! That visual really hurt my retinas. He chose “Everything Little Thing She Does is Magic” by the Police and Gwen’s one gem of advice about staying on tempo went almost unheeded. While his vocals were good, for the most part he was a beat or two ahead of the tempo. Another problem for me is that Sting’s sound is very distinctive and I kept listening for it. Randy liked the song choice and both he and Paula remarked about the tempo. Simon simply thought it was a mess and the song didn’t suit him. Ah, Chris… you can do better than that – don’t want to lose you yet.

Next up was Gina, who was awed to meet and work with one of her greatest inspirations. Gwen thought she picked a good song for her voice — “I’ll Stand By You” by the Pretenders — and that it was good to see her just stand there and be emotional. I’ve always been a Gina fan and tonight she kicked it! She was spot-on with her vocals. Again, she sported the ‘rocker chick’ look but she can pull it off. Loved the f&%k me boots and fishnets. Randy thought it was one of her best performances ever and the perfect song for her. Paula loved the fact that she is improving each week and the song choice. Best performance so far. Simon: “It wasn’t one of your best performances – it WAS your best performance.” And here is a prime example that the British have their own language: Simon stated that compared to 3-4 weeks ago, it was like comparing “chalk to cheese”. Huh? Come again. Analogies like that must come from years of drinking room temperature beer.

After yet another one of the many love shots to the sponsors, it is Sanjaya’s turn on the stage. His choice, No Doubt’s “Bathwater” didn’t exactly impress Gwen, who’s only comment was that “it is a difficult song, but he chose it.” And also that he had some problems remembering the words. Ruh Roh — could this be then end?? Forgotten lyrics are a big no-no.

As the camera pans to Sanjaya, the tea I was sipping on shot straight out of my nose. OH..MY..GOD!!! He could be either a gladiator from one of those horrible “B” movies of the 60’s or a gigantic rooster. Either way, it was like a bad acid trip flashback. Wow. His vocals were about what you would expect but……the “do” may have been a good distraction strategy on his part. You focus on the hair and you pay no attention to the vocals. Wow. Randy is completely speechless. He did, however, concede that Sanjaya can actually sing if he’d just “pull it out”. Paula kept waiting for him to “go for it” and was disappointed when he didn’t. Simon presumed there was no mirror in his dressing room, to which Sanjaya tried to retort with some witty, sarcastic reparte’. “You’re just jealous you couldn’t pull it off.” Don’t go there, Sanj……. To which Simon replied that “really doesn’t matter what we say anymore. You are in your own universe.” Agreed. Again, Wow. Major cojones.

Next up is Haley, who chose the guaranteed Idol elimination song, “True Colors”. Gwen thought she started out great until she started getting into some different melodies. The song opened with her sitting on the stage in a position reminiscent of Fantasia and McPhee. Speaking of McPhee, it looks like Haley’s borrowed her hair again — and Pickler’s boobs. At least they weren’t bobbing all over the place, although the camera almost caught a clear shot up her dress when she finally stood up. Good reason to wear underpants. The song itself was very cutesy and I kept looking for Disney characters to be skipping along behind her. At least she wasn’t singing into her armpit and she managed to keep the grandiose gestures at a minimum. Randy wasn’t really “grabbed” by it. Paula thought she needed to be a bit more contemporary. Simon asked her how she thought she did. Last time he asked a contestant that question they were voted off. He called it “sweet but forgettable.”

Phil is back to covering his dome with yet another cap. A knit newsboy this time. How many times do we have to say GET RID OF THE HATS DUDE! He chose “Every Breath You Take” by the Police. Gwen was pleasantly surprised stating that when he sticks to the melody, he sounds really good. He is still fashion-challenged and if that didn’t distract you, you’d see he really did a great job this week. Randy liked it and thought it was a solid performance. Paula thougjt it was a good song choice but even though he “soars on the chorus”, he “plays it safe on the verses.” Simon actually thought it was very good and that it was the first time he felt Phil was taking the competition seriously.

“Heaven Knows” Melinda impressed the hell out of Ms. Stefani. Was there any doubt? Gwen was blown away and stated that “I’d say good luck but I don’t think you need it that much”. Vocally, she was kick-ass. Never being a fan of disco, the song itself – to me – was ‘bleh’, but Melinda was great. My only complaint was about her outfit. It competed with the background screen saver and stopped just short of making me motion sick.

Randy called her a pro…someone who sings with feeling, interprets the words and actually lives the words. THAT WAS THE BOMB AGAIN!!! Paula thinks she is so joyful when she sings and Simon didn’t think it was the best performance but the vocal was – as usual – outstanding. Ending with “Hate the outfit.”

Blake chose “Love Song” by The Cure. Gwen gave sound advice and told him to be care about when he does the beatboxing and that she thinks the live music will enhance the performance. Personally, I like it when Blake just sings. He has a voice that is very easy to listen to. Thankfully, he heeded her advice and kept it simple. Randy didn’t think it was the best song choice but he liked it. Paula loved what he did with the song and liked his risk taking. She’d love to see him in the finale. Simon said that he’s definitely the strongest guy in the competition but cautioned him to be careful – that he’s in this “Chris Daughtry zone where he’s doing his own thing” and to not become “too indulgent.” I hate to remind you, Simon, that the Chris Daughtry zone has landed him a platinum album and more “kudos” than any of the season 5 finalists – including the winner. But I digress….

Jordin’s choice, No Doubt’s “Hey Baby”, was a bit of a surprise to Gwen but felt she was a breath of fresh air. She did tell her to “get the booty going” in order to sell the song. Again, another great performance, although her sexiness seemed a bit forced. Probably just her age and inexperience in such matters.

I have to stop and comment on one thing. Her outfit. WHAT THE????????? It looked like a combination of Raggedy Ann and painter’s tarp. Were the stylists on drugs this week? This year? I cannot believe they have allowed some of the “looks” we have seen this season. The guy’s are just not bringing sexy back. Blake’s baggy plaid golf pants. Chris Sligh’s rumpled, just rolled out of bed look. Phil is just a fashion mess. And whoever allowed Sanjaya out of the dressing room with that hair should be forced to wear that style themselves for a few days. They haven’t done the women any favors either. When Haley isn’t tramping it up, she is being morphed into Haley McPhee. With a couple notable exceptions, Melinda always looks like an office worker on her lunch hour. Up until tonight, Jordin always looked great (what happened?). I like Gina’s style but some of the things she wears don’t flatter a woman who isn’t anorexic. I thought the idea was to make the contestants look like stars.

OK, I’m done bitching now. Back to Jordin Sparks. Randy felt the song was a very risky one to do but she can literally sing anything. She’d be a great recording artist. “Brilliant.” “Great job.” Paula thinks she’s adorable, hip and young. Simon thinks she is the most improved contestant. Younger, more confident. Thought the song was “a bit copycat-ish,” but liked it.

Closing the show with another No Doubt song is Chris Richardson. “Don’t Speak”. Gwen hopes he sticks to the melody and doesn’t go into vocal olympics. He obviously listened because he did a good job on this one. While he started out shaky and seemed to not know what to do with his hands, the vocals did grow stronger and more dominant in the middle. And he didn’t sound as nasal as usual. Randy liked his flavor on it. The loved the R & B side. Paula simply thinks he’s good, good, goooooooooood. Record’s skipping, bang the jukebox. Oh, OK. Simon thought the song choice was good for him but warned him that he needs to really work on his vocals.

So that’s all folks. Being a huge Gwen Stefani fan, I have to admit that my expectations were high. Unfortunately, I came off feeling rather “eh” for the night. Perhaps the song choices should have stayed limited to No Doubt songs or Gwen’s solo songs. I’ve always hated disco so the Donna Summer did nothing for me and listening to The Police is just as good as an Ambien for sending me into slumberland. Nothing really stood out, with the exception of Sanjaya’s “mohawk”.

Before signing off, the show ended with a reminder of Gwen Stefani’s guest appearance tomorrow evening AND the recap of the evening’s performances. Who will be leaving the good ship Idol tomorrow evening? It’s hard to say because America is such a fickle entity. I’d say it will probably be Haley because, really, without the ‘girl’ bouncing around, what have you got? Besides, America already has a Paris McPhee – to be found on any red carpet or party in Hollywood.

So, stay tuned…………………………

Sanjaya — Teen Idol?

What do Donny Osmond, Shaun & David Cassidy, Bobby Sherman and Leif Garrett have in common? Can you guess??

They are the musical peers of Sanjaya Malakar. Let’s see: Great hair, big white smile, average talent. Everything that makes pre-teen and young teen-age girls turn to mush and sob from the sheer emotion of seeing their soulful eyes. Before they even sing a note. While all of the above-mentioned former teen idols have talent – none of them have exceptional talent. Many miracles can occur in the studio, turning an “eh” voice into a great voice. On vinyl.

Curiously, if any of these former teeny-bop idols had auditioned for American Idol, the chances of their making it to Hollywood would have been slim. Randy would call them pitchy, Paula would remark on their outfits and Simon would simply say, “Absolutely horrible.” Yet they have all sold millions of albums, graced the covers of countless teen magazines and sold out numerous concerts, not to mention incurring the total tearful devotion of many. In fact, one teen-age girl actually got into a box and tried to MAIL herself to Donny Osmond.

So, why the hatred for Sanjaya? What has he done that has been so incredibly terrible as to incur the wrath of so many? How is he so different from these former teen idols? He has the hair, good looks and white smile. Also the average talent.

I can understand that his presence in the finals is upsetting to those who feel he ursurped the place of somebody more talented. Do I personally feel – based on talent alone – that he should still be around? NO, I do not. But just because I don’t think Sanjaya should be anywhere near the top 10 does not give me an open invitation to break his spirit and hold him up to public ridicule.  Enough is enough already. Face it: the kid does not suck. He can sing. BUT he just doesn’t measure up to the quality of talent exhibited by the others on the show.  That is becoming more and more evident.  Even to him.

Little Sanjaya just may be following in the teen idol footsteps of the Cassidy’s and the Osmonds.  He’ll put out a CD or two,  turn this generation of pre-teen girls into puddles of mush and maybe move on to host a variety show with his sister.  Then he’ll fade into obscurity until he makes his ‘comeback’ in the year 2040.

Dear Restaurant Patron

Dear Restaurant Patron:

I am writing this on behalf of everybody who wants to enjoy their dining out experience, as well as those who wait on us.

First of all, if you are going to dine at a restaurant that is frequented primarily by young adults, young professionals and/or those out for a romantic evening, LEAVE THE CHILDREN AT HOME. Or go to a family-friendly establishment, such as Bob Evans or Golden Corral. Nobody wants to hear screaming babies and whining children when they are on a date or getting away from their OWN kids.

Secondly, if you are one of those people who is always cold, BRING A SWEATER. Please. If you complain to the manager that it is too cold, then they will inevitably turn the air up or off. Why should we all suffer when all you have to do is bring in a sweater? Leave one in the trunk of your car. The other customers, as well as the servers, will thank you.

If you are sick or not in control of your bodily functions, stay home. Please! I don’t want whatever it is you have, nor do I want to sit and smell your farts or see you vomit (yes, that has happened more than once).

On behalf of servers everywhere — A FAIR TIP IS 15 -20% of the bill. Servers depend on their tips to pay for silly things like the mortgage and food for their kids. This is not 1950 anymore. It is not acceptable to leave 2 dollars for a meal that cost $25 – especially if you received good service. If you are that cheap, either eat fast food where you don’t have to tip or go home and eat. Word to the wise…….servers remember the shitty tippers. See how long you have to wait for your coffee refill next time you come in. Oh yeah, lest I forget, leaving a religious tract in lieu of a tip may show your server the light but it will not pay the light bill. Remember that, ok?

Turn off your cellphone. Nobody wants to hear your conversation and you’re drowning out ours. Not to mention the fact that you are being rude to your dining companion. If you simply must talk, go outside.

Take your domestic squabbles elsewhere. Nobody wants to hear it.

Last, but certainly not least, nobody wants to change religion, be born again, buy whatever your children are selling or have a Mary Kay party. We want to enjoy our meal so please leave us alone.

Sincerely,

All the other Restaurant Patrons.

AMERICA VOTED — (we’ll miss you Stephanie)

The results are in.  Is your favorite out?  Our show began with a recap of clips from last evening’s show.  These highlights brought back everything good and bad about the performances.   A shot of the sobbing Ashley, Sanjaya’s biggest fan, was shown. “It was an emotional show and for once it wasn’t Paula crying.”   Good one Ryan.  To reiterate – this child and millions like her -  are the the reason Sanjaya is still on the show so we just have to get used to it.  Thinking back, didn’t we all have a crush on a semi-talented teen idol back in our childhood?

To start the ball rolling, Peter Noone entertained us with “A Kind of Hush”,  looking happy and, well, wholesome.  And he has great teeth.  The song sounded almost identical to the original, and no wonder — he is still performing around the country.

AFTER THE BREAK and we are doing laundry with the contestants.  Whaaaa?  Oh, it’s the FORD COMMERCIAL.  Even though this one doesn’t appear to be nearly as obnoxious as the one last week — gag. 

OK, here we go.  Dim the lights.  All contestants are seated on the couches, awaiting their fate.  “The first person to leave us tonight is……….Brad Garrett.”  Brad Garrett?  Evidently everybody doesn’t love Raymond anymore.  Oops, wrong show.  What is it now?  Till Death.  OK, haha.  Good plug FOX.  Now can we get on with Idol please?

Bearing in mind that this show is only one-half hour long and that tonight there are two celebrity entertainers, Ryan got right to the point.  First three to stand:  Blake, Melinda and Phil.  Oh, Phil.  Back to the dorky hats again eh?  NOT in the bottom three.  Phil dodged another bullet this week.  Why did Melinda look so confused?  Next three to stand:  Lakisha, Chris S. and Jordin.  All SAFE.  Poor Lakisha looked scared to death.

 The next three to stand:  Sanjaya, Haley and Gina.  Here comes the drama.  You just KNOW that one or all of them are in the bottom three, right?  Wrong.  SAFE.  Even though the judges were less than enthusiastic, I knew Gina would be around for a little while longer.  I guess I should have known after Ashley’s soggy face being shown over and over again that Sanjaya would be around as well.  The only thing I can say about Haley is that she’s morphed into Antonella Barba.  She is here primarily on the performance of the ‘girls’.  Period.  I wonder if American would have kept her had she decided to wear a brassiere?  Time and talent will tell.

So now, it is down to the last two.  Stephanie Edwards and Chris Richardson.  One of them is obviously going to be handed their walking papers.  In my humble opinion, America has exhibited yet another lack of judgement.  Who will it be?  Of course, they are going to have to wait.  Cross your fingers AND your legs, it’s going to be awhile.

After yet another commercial, we segue into the American Idol Challenge.  “Which of the following Idol contestants was recently cast in The Color Purple?”  Fantasia – duhhhhh.

Moving on to a reminder of the Idol Gives Back telethon and the generous contributions being made by Coca-Cola, AT & T, and others.  Nothing is said about how much these corporate giants are giving.  Is it a secret?  Or just embarrassing?  The sponsorships are open all corporations and they are being encouraged to email idolgivesback@fox.com.  I’m curious as to which ones will actually step up to the plate.

Next up is a performance by LuLu – To Sir With Love.  Most people watching probably don’t remember the song but no matter.  Aside from her still-powerful voice, this woman looked spectacular.  If look nearly that good when I am pushing 60 I’ll be a happy camper.

After another tortuous commercial break, Stephanie and Chris are finally going to find out who will be taking the long road home.   Ryan quicky recapped both performances and the judges’ reactions before telling Chris he could sit down.  I wonder what he was thinking as he slowly shuffled back to the rest of the gang on the couches.

Another very talented performer is sent packing again.  We all know it was Tuesday’s less than spectacular showing but, c’mon America, how many borderline performances have we seen out of Haley Barba and Sanjaya?  Evidently we must never underestimate the power of perky tits and crying pre-teens.  A reminder to the 30 million voters:  you may have voted but you have not seen the last of Stephanie Edwards.  She is wayyyyy too talented to simply fade into obscurity.

Before closing, we are now treated to my most UN-favorite part of the show.  What I call the “rubbing salt into an open wound” segment, otherwise known as the American Idol journey good-bye video.  As like last week, there was not enough time for an exit song.  Maybe it just got to be too much.

Well, boys and girls, that’s it for this week.   We all know who will be on the Idol tour this year.  Sanjaya’s presence will guarantee massive ticket sales from the tweeny-bopper set and their parents.  I guess there is a method to the madness after all.  And then there were 10…….

ONE DOWN, ELEVEN TO GO. AMERICAN IDOL

Did you know that Simon Cowell says he’s “bigger than The Boss”? What in the name of ego makes him think he’s bigger than Bruce Springsteen? He sells more records than Springsteen. How’s that again?

According to an interview on “60 Minutes”, “I sell more records than Bruce Springsteen, sure,” Cowell says of the 57-year-old rocker, who signed a contract that was reported to be in the neighborhood of $100 million.

“I mean, in the last five years, I’ve probably sold over 100 million records. If (Springsteen) got one hundred (million dollars), I should have got five hundred (million dollars),” he says.

Cowell says he sells all those records because he’s signed “the biggest artist on the planet” _ Fox network’s “American Idol.”

Hmmmm, interesting.

Seems like everyone has to get on the bandwagon. Jonathon Pait, spokesperson for the fundamentalist Bob Jones University, where our favorite curly top Chris Sligh attended for several years, has been disappointed in Chris’ musical direction. Disappointed? Didn’t that direction take him all the way to the top 12? Leave the kid be. He isn’t on the highway to hell yet.

Sanjaya. Why is he still here? That is the question in the minds of millions. First of all…..I don’t hate the kid. He actually does have a decent voice but not anywhere near good ENOUGH. A website named votefortheworst.com is taking alot of the credit for Sanjaya’s longevity on the show. Shock jock Howard Stern has even gotten in on the act, stating that he would vote for the worst as well. Another factor is pity. The way that the judges slam that kid, makes you want to just wrap him up and feed him warm milk. And of course he’s eye-candy for the tweeny set. Of course, these are only my humble opinions.

On with the show…………..

 

Can they make it into the top 10? YOU are calling the shots. This IS AMERICAN IDOL……The contestants are introduced one by one and they bounce by, waving like they don’t have a care in the world. We know their insides are pure mush no matter how happy the face. Next, we show the judges some love. Paula looked rather conservative and the girls were still very much under wraps. Very 60’s sitcom mom. Mrs. Brady meets Shirley Partridge. When asked what the contestants should do about nerves on a night like tonight, she said to “shake them out, come out and have fun, and picture Simon not dressed.” Whhhaaaat?? Asked for a response, Simon merely asked “is that what you think about”? Touche’. Yes, Simon, I spend all waking moments picturing you naked (well, at least during Idol).

Let the games begin. Our theme this week is “The British Invasion” which started with 4 young men from Liverpool, and continued on the include The Kinks, The Stones, Dusty Springfield and many more. Peter Noone from Hermans Hermits worked with the guys and LuLu worked with the women. Since the British Invasion did not include R&B, I’m beginning to wonder how Melinda, Lakisha and Stephanie will fare. And will Sanjaya get any “Satisfaction”? (picture me shuddering).

Haley is still waving in the DC-10 with her rendition of Tell Him. Now she’s added some dance moves. Too bad she didn’t add a brassiere. The girls were standing at full attention seemed to be in danger of sliding out of her top. The little dance in front of the judges appeared to render Simon speechless. She did, however, heed LuLu’s singing advice to be “more staccato”. She was better than usual, probably because of the song choice. Randy thought it was her best performance so far (which doesn’t say much). Paula remarked on the flirtatious side (meaning, “I’m being discreet and NOT commenting on your actual singing). Simon called her a “naughty little thing”. He thinks people will be talking about a lot more than her singing tonight.

 

Chris Richardson’s goal is to “finally nail a song”. Chris — I hope so. Peter Noone said that Chris “looks like a star” but that he “didn’t hear much of his voice, even though there may be alot more to it. ” Chris’ choice, Don’t Let the Sun Cath You Crying has, according to Peter, one of the greatest melodies in his lifetime and that Chris “never really showed it to us.” Ruh Roh. All in all, however, this was one of his better performances. Without all that distracting bouncing around, you could concentrate on the vocals. Chris can sing but I just can’t get past the nasally sound. The judges agreed that this was one his best performances to date and – Lo and Behold – high praise Simon who told him he had excellent control and didn’t make an old song sound old-fashioned.

After the break, Stephanie Edwards took on the Dusty Springfield classic “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me”. LuLu said she reminded her of Beyonce’ and that when she gets that band behind her, she’ll only get better. I’m not a huge fan of ballads as most tend to put me into a state of catatonia. I was half-way there when the song ended. Randy didn’t think it was her best performance and “pitchy”. Paula stated out commenting on her looks so you know the rest is not going to be good. She feels like Stephanie’s spirit of having fun has left. Simon got right to the point: “How do YOU think you did?” He feels like she is losing her edge. It was “a bit nightclubby” and that “I think you’re losing your soul.” Yep. Yawwwwnnnnn.

 

After one of many breaks, Blake took on The Zombies’ “Time of the Season”. Peter liked the modern edge he put on the song but warned against too much beatboxing. And spitting. Yeah, I guess front row seats are out of the question unless you bring a raincoat. Paula was up and dancing from the start. This showed a very different Blake. I really like this song but it sounded odd to me at first. I had to Tivo it a couple of times to see if it was just me. It was. This guy CAN sing. Randy loved the fact that he took a 40 year old song (watch it!) and made it current, which is very hard to do. “You put together a very cool, vibey, edgy, massive ‘YO’ factor version of this song.” Paula felt that he raised the bar and that he could release that song right now as a record. Simon thought it was a million times better than last week and he chose the right song without messing with the melody.

OH.MY.GOD!!! Is that Ryan Seacrest trying to sing and dance? Hooohooo. Yo Dawg….don’t give up your day job. After yet another break, Lakisha was deciding between “You’re My World” and “Diamonds Are Forever”. LuLu strongly suggested she sing “You’re My World”, but in the end “Diamonds” won out. I guess I’d sing about diamonds, too, if I was allowed to drape myself in about a million dollars worth. As for the song, it just didn’t do it for me. It wasn’t bad – it was boring. And old-fashioned. Randy thought it was a good choice but didn’t feel there was “enough Lakisha” in it. Paula disagreed. She loved it. Simon thought it was Lakisha in 50 years time. Afterward, Ryan asked Lakisha if she was surprise by her feedback. I loved her answer, “you take the good with the bad and the ugly”. Yep, and if she looks and sounds that good in 50 years, more power to her.

Next up Phil Stacy took a stroll down Tobacco Road. Peter Noone thought that noone had sung it was well as Phil did at the piano. Hmmmmmm. He came out rockin’ and working that mike stand. Was it just me, or did he look a little bit like a gawky Bob Saget when he ran across the stage. I’m a bit mixed on this one. While he started out strong, the middle was a tad wimpy, and back to strong at the end. To me, he just didn’t have that “blues vibe” that I equate with that song. He did look like he was having a good time though. Randy agreed on the having fun part and called it a “pretty good performance.” Paula liked the song choice but called it a bit “pitchy”. Simon called it a “third division bar band performance” and stated that he may have a problem tomorrow.

Jordin is “so excited” to meet LuLu. In fact, she is “so excited about everything. LuLu was amazed that Jordin was only 17 and feels she has a big chance of making it to the finale. Her rendition of Shirley Bassey’s “I Who Have Nothing” was nothing short of spectacular. She showed incredible emotion. Randy thought it was a great, great performance and probably one of the best ones we’ll see tonight. Paula merely called her a wonderful performer. Simon: “You sang it beautifully but I feel like jumping off a bridge.” “Soooo gloomy”. It was the song that was gloomy, and Ryan told Simon that in order to “get it” he’d have to “experience love with someone other than himself”. Ouch! Ryan, you are such a bitch!

Now, this next one scares me. Sanjaya. What could he possibly try to sing? He told Peter that he was on the fence between (oh NO) The Kinks’”You Really Got Me” and “I’m into Something Good” by none other than Herman’s Hermits. Peter diplomatically refrained from commenting on the vocals other than to say Sanjaya doesn’t have enough experience to “sell” what he’s got.

 

His song choice turned out to be “You Really Got Me” and I cringed in my seat. I give the kid two thumbs up for trying but rock God is definitely not him. Watching him work the audience, shake his booty and try to be sexy would have been painful had it not been so sad. He did, however, give us a little insight into why he is still probably on the show – the little girl who was so moved by his performance, she was crying. There is his fan base. Randy was “shocked” and claimed that Sanjaya finally came out of his shell and gave his best performance to date. Paula said that this is what we’ve been waiting for. Simon kept it simple: “I think the little girl’s face says it all.” And the added “awwwweee” factor: Sanjaya going into the audience and gifting the crying girl with a hug. Awwwweee. I bet she writes in her diary “Mrs. Ashley Malakar”about 50 times. Come on, you know we all used to do it. “Mrs. Robert Plant………. X100″

Gina is going to Paint it Black with The Stones. LuLu told her to get the drama out of it and ‘devour’ it. I love this girl. Maybe it’s that I’m a rocker at heart but I really like her choices. She takes chances and she reminds me a bit of Patti Smith. Randy loved the edge vibe but claimed it was pitchy in spots. Not his favorite from her. Paula thought it was miles better than last week. Simon thought there were moments of “complete torture” in the song and it was “so off melody it was horrible.” More “style over content”. Randy reminded her that even though she can rock, she can also sing. But Simon told her she had to do better than that if she wanted to stay in the competition. pfffbbbbbbttttt!

Chris Sligh bantered with Peter Noone about his winning the sexiest artist alive in 2001 and reminisced about his dad singing “Henery the Eighth I Am”. Chris admitted to being a huge, huge, huge British Invasion fan and he chose The Zombies’ “She’s Not There”. Don’t tread too carefully Chris. Loved the entrance through the audience and he worked it as he walked through – even the mike stand. Tell me, was that nudge to Simon planned? LOL Miles better than last week. And he’s bringing chubby back. Randy though it was a little rough at the start but ended up strong. Paula loved the fact he was working the audience. Very good vocals. Simon thought is was fun and a good song choice for him, and even though it was not the best vocal tonight, it was way better than last week. Maybe that little jab from the mikestand stuck a bit o nice in him.

Last but certainly not least, Melinda Doolitte closed the show. She chose to sing the torch song “As Long as He Needs Me” , which is – in her own words – out of her comfort zone. LuLu felt she was “shining”. As always. The song began a bit slow and boring to me (not Melinda but the song). Toward the middle, however, the song took off. It took off so well that you could even forgive the spit that was glaringly evident in those unforgiving lights. Randy felt that best was saved for last “Another stunning performance” and “You’re a pro up there.” Paula feels that she tells a story every time she sings and Simon wants to know if shes “really as nice as she seems.” He called her vocals ‘impeccable’. Yes, I agree.

After the recap (always a reminder of the worst because we already know who is the best), little Ashley got to cry her little heart out on stage while getting hugs from the contestants. Another “awwwwwweee” moment.

So who will be kicked to the curb this week? My guess is that Phil, Haley and Stephanie will share the bottom three this week but I have no idea who will be tossed overboard. Haley will probably squeak by on the merit of “the girls” so it’s between Stephanie and Phil. I guess we’ll all have to stay tuned.

 

 

 

 

Dear Neighbor (a.k.a. move the hell back to where you came from)

Enough is enough. Please take this in the spirit with which is was written and if you have any imagination, imagine me flipping you the world’s biggest bird. For everyone else, forgive me for sounding like some cranky old bitch. Unfortunately our block has been invaded by the neighbors from hell.

Dear New Neighbor:

1. I am a true music lover. However, I do not feel the need to be entertained by your loud-as-hell, middle of the night concerts. My pictures are just fine hanging on the walls so they don’t need to be shaken to the floor by your over the top bass. And by the way — we were already treated to a concert when you bought your car stereo. Another one is just redundant. I like my rock n roll. And I love it loud. But if I’m going to give my neighborhood a concert, it sure as hell won’t be for free. Hint: Turn it the fuck down already! Aren’t you worried about keeping your stable of rugrats awake?

2. Why don’t you get off your lazy ass and shlep some of those accumulating bags of garbage away from the side of your house and down to the curb for pick-up? As much as I love animals, I do not wish to play host to the racoons and rats that will shortly be moving into your garbage pile and migrating over into my yard.

3. When you come outside to get your newspaper — keep your robe closed or wear underwear. Jeez!

4. I have a fenced yard for two reasons: to keep my dog IN and to keep everything else OUT. Therefore, your children, their toys AND your cats do NOT belong in my yard. See, in case you don’t understand, you belong on the OUT side. I’ll keep my dog IN my yard so please keep your childrencatstoys OUT of mine.

5. Speaking of children. Don’t yours belong in school? 5 screaming children outside at 7 a.m. is definitely not going to cut it. Neither is tossing them outside from dawn to dusk just to get them out of the house. A little supervision perhaps? It is not up to the rest of the neighborhood to keep an eye on them OR listen to their caterwauling.

6. Oh yeah….keep your beer cans on your side of the fence please.

7. My front yard is not: a parking lot for your company; a bathroom for your cat; and it is definitely not an ashtray.

8. When you are walking around inside your house naked, be kind to everyone within eyeshot and close your blinds.

So, dear neighbor, take heed. What we really want is for you to move out. You are loud, annoying and very inconsiderate; your children act like they’ve been raised by wolves and your presence lowers our property values by 40%. My suggestion would be to find some nice plot of land far, far away from the rest of society and move there. Buy a trailer. Build a house. Whatever. As long as you are no longer here.

Sincerely,

The REST of the Neighborhood

PREPARE FOR THE DRAMA. READY? THIS IS AMERICA IDOL.

PREPARE FOR THE DRAMA. READY? THIS IS AMERICA IDOL. This is the end of the road for one of the finalists. Ryan Seacrest leads the fashion parade with a spiffy Barney-purple tie, followed by Randy wearing a black denim embroidered shirt.  Paula kept the ‘girls’ covered tonight (maybe the air-conditioning was too much for them?) but her hair was on full alert.  The outfit was topped off with jeans and a buckle.  Buckle?  Evidently her and Randy got together and planned the “look” – let’s see, “Hee-haw meets the Hood.” Simon abandoned his Prince of Darkness couture yet again by wearing a white button down shirt. So very preppy of you Simon.

Next up were the requisite clips from last night, ever reminding us of the good, the bad and the simply horrible. Everyone was in ‘diva mode”. Of course they HAD to replay the exchange between Simon and Ryan. Come OUT of the closet Ryan…out, out, OUT!  I truly wonder how the gay community took that little exchange.

Another teaser – “America……your results are in.” However, before we get to hear them, we are regaled by the dreaded GROUP SONG disguised as a tribute to Dianna Ross. Fast forward – I had enough of the “Rossfest” last evening.

So it’s time to hear the results, right?  No, but “have you driven a Ford lately?”  That’s right boys and girls — the FORD VIDEO.   Being a very minor Ford stockholder I felt that ever-so-slightest obligation to watch.  Ok, I kept it on while I went to get a snack so I only saw bits and pieces.  The final 12 through the ages. Gee, could they have made Chris Sligh’s hair any bigger? It looks like it could house 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves AND a partridge in a pear tree. Seacrest, never one to miss a snipe, quipped “that’s a good look, Sligh”. So is your tie Mr. Seacrest, sir. We were duly reminded that the video could be viewed on americanidol.com. Last night’s performances could be viewed and downloaded there as well. Let me rush right off to do it now. In 10 years I may be able to get a few bucks for a Melinda or a Lakisha on E-bay.

Now we are down to the nitty-gritty. The 3 people with the lowest number of votes will be asked to step down to center stage, while the others will be asked to sit down. Dim the lights….dun, dun, DUN…..here we go. Lakisha….SAFE. Gina….SAFE. Brandon is next, already resigned to what he is going to be told. “America voted…you are in the bottom three.” No surprise there. Jordin…SAFE. Chris Richardon…”You sang “The Boss” and showed them who’s boss.” SAFE. Melinda. SAFE. Was there any doubt? I can hear Bob Barker on this one: “Phil Stacey, come on down! You are in the bottom three.” I’m a bit surprised at that one. Chris Sligh and his hair….SAFE. Stephanie…SAFE. Blake…..SAFE. And then there were two. Will Sanjaya or Haley be in the bottom three? More Idol-inspired drama – “You’ll find out after the break.” Nothing like deliberately turning somebody’s insides to mush. The government could use this kind of torture to get somebody to reveal State secrets. Sheesh. Let’s get it going already.

AFTER THE BREAK…..time for the American Idol challenge. Which one of these 3 American Idols (between Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, and Taylor Hicks) did Simon Cowell predict would sell more than albums than any other? Make sure you use those text messages and put more dinero in the already overflowing pockets of Simon Fuller.

Who will be the last one in the bottom three? Not now!!! We just HAVE to prolong the suspense awhile longer because we are going to be entertained!!   A special performance by Dianna Ross singing “More Today Then Yesterday” from her new CD.  New CD?  I remember that song playing on the radio when I was still decorating Barbie’s Dream House.  Have I been thrown into the DeLorean with Michael J. McFly?  The whole package was really over the top.   I must say that she was pure diva in a sizzling red gown, big earrings and even bigger hair.  Not my personal – ahem – cup of tea BUT, she does look good for her age.  Maybe alcohol really is a preservative.  Ryan tried to trip her up by asking who would be going home tonight.  Hell no, Mr. Seacrest, not falling for that one — “Me” was her answer.   Of course, it is now time for yet another commercial break.  Haley, Sanjaya…..have you started to crack yet?

FINALLY!  “Sanjaya and Haley….please stand up.” The moment of truth is upon them. “America voted. Haley (big dramatic pause) please have a seat.” Sanjaya is sent to stand with the other 2/3 of the bottom three. Is anybody surprised that they are all guys considering their less than stellar performances throughout?

Ryan decides to drag out the torture a bit more. “I can send one of you back to safety right now. That one is Phil Stacey.”  It is down to Brandon and Sanjaya.  Eeny, meenie, miney mo! “After nearly 28 million votes, America has decided that (insert another dramatic pause here) Sanjaya….you are safe.” Yes, he AND his hair are safe for another week.

So Brandon is handed his walking papers.  I would have liked to have seen him stick around for another week or two, mainly for my optical enjoyment.   Now to rub more salt, vinegar, Pine Sol and all other caustic material into an already open wound, a video montage of Brandon’s Idol journey is played. Shots of the tear-stained faces of the remaining eleven are shown. Sad to see him go but happy as hell they aren’t the one America said sucked.  To add to the complete pathos, we must not forget the exit song.  Oh, wait……time hath run out.  Segue into a commercial.   And then there were 11.  Stay tuned.

AMERICAN IDOL – THE TOP 12 FINALISTS BRING IT ON!

THE TOP 12 FINALISTS BRING IT ON! Guest mentor is superstar Diana Ross, whose career has spanned over 40 years. That lady still looks hot. I hope I look that good at 60+. What a coincidence that former Idol contestant Jennifer Hudson won an Academy Award for the movie Dreamgirls. After the parade of former Idol winners and their accomplishments, the camera panned to the very large audience. First thing that caught my eye was a sign with Chris Sligh’s photo on it with the words “FRO PATROL”. Gotta love it.

AMERICA, HERE ARE YOUR TOP 12 CONTESTANTS. Ryan Seacrest – in DIRE need of a fashion consultant that isn’t colorblind – introduced, one by one, the very nervous contestants.  All of them looked like they were in immediate need of a potty break.  Think the little stage was bad?  Get ready for the big kahuna.

The judges looked cool, collected and ready for 2 hours of “all Ross, all the time”.  Randy wearing a shirt that looks like it was made of a pair of old boxers. Paula’s cleavage was on full alert and her hair extensions were primped and sprayed into place. Don’t light a match – please. Simon ditched his usual Prince of Darkness black for a plain white t-shirt that was very Stanley Kowalski (for those who don’t know….male protagonist in “Streetcar Named Desire” – read the book. Or, better yet, watch the movie. Brando was HOT as Kowalski).

A short interview with Dianna, the diva herself, in which she states she really enjoyed her role as mentor. “I am not a critic”. She wants to be a “trusting voice” and wished all the contestants success on Idol and after Idol.  This Dianna was a  bit of a surprise considering her past drama of DUI’s and rehab, as well as abusive behavior and diva-like meltdowns.  Wow, this could be Nicole Ritchie, Britney Spears and Naomi Campbell rolled into one.   So when the lady herself appeared, I was pleasantly surprised at her lucid, humble graciousness.

First up on the big stage was Brandon with classic Dianna Ross, “You Can’t Hurry Love.” He started out very slow. Ouch! Bad note there. Ok, getting better. Damn…forgot the words. I sooooooo want this guy to be good. There is something about him. But if he doesn’t do something drastic, he’ll be forever relegated to the background.   His clothes even screamed “BACKGROUND.”  The judges seemed to share my opinion. Randy – “This is the start of the future for everyone. You did not come out like you wanted to be out front.” Paula was her usual diplomatic self but proclaimed the performance boring. Simon called it a “let down” and “predictable” and then the biggest UH OH, prediction of doom, “You came over as a background singer for a background singer.” That was one helluva a beating from the judges.  Will Brandon be here next week? There is a chance as we have Haley and Sanjaya still in the game. But it’s a crapshoot at best.

Was this uninspiriting performance a portent of things to come?

Melinda Doolittle in the dreaded interview chair.   Ryan asked her a viewer question – “What do you consider to be the hardest part of all this?” She replied it was wearing the high heels and the dresses; that her tennis shoes and sweats were much more comfortable.  With the exception of the gorgeous dress she wore last week, her wardrobe has seemed rather painful.   Simon alluded to Ryan’s always questionable sexuality when he answered Ryan’s “Any advice on the high heels, Simon?” with “You ought to know Ryan.”  Ryan continued to lose the verbal exchange with the admonishment to “Stay out of my closet”, whereby Simon quipped, “Come out”.  Fait accompli.

Melinda sang “Home”. Diana said it gave her goose bumps. I’m not very familiar with this song but this girl kicked some serious ass. That last note gave ME goose bumps. At the end of the song, Melinda was in tears and I have to admit, so was I. Randy said it was not his favorite performance but still great. Of course it was great. Paula was moved to tears but that is a weekly event.  The hole in the ozone moves her to tears.  Simon asked Melinda why she was crying. She says she’s never heard anything like that out of herself. Then he remarked, “You made a very boring song fantastic” and the greatest compliment, “You remind me of a young Gladys Knight.”

Following Melinda is never an enviable position.  Chris Sligh chose to sing “Endless Love”….with his own twist. His chit chat with Diana centered around hair. How they share hair and how does she make hers go “out”? (can you say “wig”?)  Chris’ beginning scared me at first and further into the song he really did sound like Coldplay. Not my favorite performance from him although he did appear to be comfortable on the big kahuna.  Maybe he removed is signature glasses so the audience would be a less-intimidating blur.  Randy thought it was a mess while Paula thought he worked too hard to be hip and that he should just let it flow.  Simon thought he murdered the arrangement, calling it “unemotional and uninspiring.” He ended his commentary with “keep your glasses on – I think it’s you.”  No, he didn’t sign his ticket home but…….

Gina Glockson was next and star struck about meeting Diana Ross. Her song choice was “Love child.” Dianna told her to “Pronounciate everything.”  (Pronounciate – newest word to be entered in Webster’s – mixing ‘enunciate’ with ‘pronounce’.  I guess when you are Dianna Ross, you can make up new additions to the English language).  And she did. To me, one of her better performances but the judges felt otherwise. She looked like she was having a great time. Randy felt she was boring and Paula felt like she’s much better than what she showed tonight. Simon was non-committal: “It was OK. It wasn’t terrible. It wasn’t fantastic.” He called it a “middle hat performance.”

Sanjaya, there just ain’t no mountain high enough is there?   If there was, we’d all be on it.  Michael Jackson copied Dianna Ross so I guess Sanjaya will follow in his footsteps.  Sorry, but it’s not going to help.  In their mentoring session, Dianna told him to “get his soul in there.”  She also liked his spirit…said that he has ’something’ and that “it’s not his hair.” Again, maybe it’s that affinity with Michael Jackson. It was a very tepid beginning to the song and it didn’t get any better. I’ve heard him sound worse but this really wasn’t very good. The judges did not like it. Randy says “Dude, it wasn’t very good. Thank God for the background singers.” But on the upside, “The hair is rockin’”. Paula struggled not to break his spirit so she claimed she can understand why Dianna says he’s pure love. But he has to “jump out with his vocals”. Simon made an obscure reference to “hearing a wail (whale?) in Beverly Hills” but explained himself by saying that Dianna will scream when she hears what was done to her song. On a positive note, however, Simon commented that he was “very brave”. NOW FOR THE BREAK.

To expound on Sanjaya for a minute.  This kid really doesn’t suck.  It is just that compared to some truly powerful voices, he just fades into obscurity.  The kid needs to find his own identity; his strengths.  At the moment he reminds me of what you would get if you threw Michael Jackson and Ace Young into a Cuisineart.  Maybe in a few years………………

Haley Scarnato is next.  She upped the ante with her appearance but is it enough?  There is a subtle “McPhee vibe” going on here.  Makes me think that she “may” just be able to pull this off.   Because of her cabaret, over-the-top style, I expected  a song fresh from the Disco era but she chose “Missing you”; “because of the emotion.” Dianna remarked that Haley has a recording studio voice, rather than a live voice and that she “keeps it inside.” The song started out wayyyy too low and breathy but it actually turned out quite well.  For her.  I still have to say that the over-the-top arm gestures make her look like she’s waving in a DC-10. Randy remarked that “you already know what I’m gonna say don’t you?” (translate:  “you suck”).  Paula thought she looked great (always a precursor of doom)  BUT had pitch problems and committed that cardinal sin of forgetting the lyrics. Simon tossed her a bone by stating he didn’t think it was that bad. “To give you credit, Haley, we will remember you now. You had presence out there.” High praise, indeed, from the Prince of Darkness.

Ryan sitting with his Nanna intones, “It’s the most emotional show to date.”
Phil Stacey is next. What? No Hat??? I’m proud of him….he’s finally come to embrace the dome, although NOBODY does bald like Chris Daughtry.   Dianna liked the song he selected as it was a song she sang with Marvin Gaye. Her solution for stage fright: “Look at the audience. They are just people.” The song “I’m Going To Make You Love Me” was a good song choice for him. He came out stronger than usual and kept up the pace.  His stage presence was less awkward and he looked more comfortable out there (well, as ‘less awkward’ as a tall, gawky bald person can be.)  Randy gave him 2 “YO’s” and “the boys vocal award for the night.”  Paula needed for it to be more up-tempo. Simon claimed Paula was wrong and that he did choose the right tempo but he needed to try to control the shouting when trying to hit the high notes. “I felt you were screaming in my ear.” An added bonus for the “awwwwwww” factor: a huge poster of with a picture of Phil’s new baby and the words “I’m voting for you daddy” on it.

Lakisha chose the song “God Bless the Child”, originally a Billy Holiday song from the movie Lady Sings the Blues. Dianna suggested she wear long simple dress and commiserated on the merits of using a mikestand as opposed to just holding the mike.  She sounded awesome, reining in her strong voice for a controlled bluesy – yet powerful sound. She looked beautiful in her simple white satin gown. Randy: “Wow.” “Sensational”. “Unbelievable vocal. Didn’t over sing it.” Paula: “You’re a beautiful performer and beautiful girl.” Simon: “You have either got it or you haven’t got it. And you have got it.” He then compared the quality of vocals of her and Melinda to those of the other contestants. Outstanding!

Blake Lewis wanted to put a modern spin on a Motown classic. He claimed he wanted to bring “You Keep Me Hanging On” from the 60’s into today. Ms. Ross was looking forward to seeing what he was going to do with it. He hopes she really likes it. He used his vocals without the beatboxing. I wish he would do that more. He put Be-bop spin to the song and didn’t really hit the falsetto.  It seems to me like everything he does is sounding the same.  Randy thinks he should stop worrying about “Blake-izing” every song. Paula feels that sometimes you have to just leave the classics alone. Simon didn’t get it at all and that he didn’t do justice to his vocals.

Stephanie chose the Disco classic, “Love Hangover.” Dianna suggested she ’sex it up a bit” and thinks she has ’star quality’. She had a strong start and put a bit of Stephanie into it. The problem is she took some of the ‘Disco flavor’ out of it.  Where was that ‘dance vibe’?  Sounded more like the usual lame ballad crap to me.  Randy thought it was a good vocal but not necessarily the best. He kept waiting for that up-tempo.
Paula also mentioned the lack of up-tempo. Simon thought she teased everyone with the good part but never came through. She absolutely chose the wrong song and was outsung by Lakisha and Melinda.

Chris Richardson said kept waiting for Dianna to stop him and say it was horrible. She told him to find the hook and work it – and the audience. He chose “The Boss” and when he entered the stage, he reminded me of a Vegas lounge singer. I expected to hear Tommy Newsome from the “Tonight Show” in the background. He didn’t really show his vocals well and was a bit nasally. He did, however, work the crowd well and got right out there in the audience. Paula was dancing. Randy said it wasn’t his favorite performance and that he “sort of oversang.” “Half good, half bad for me.” Paula thought that out of all the guys, he was the most successful in ‘bringing the contemporary in’. Simon thought it was dreadful and reminded us, yet again, that this is a singing competition.

AFTER..THE..BREAK.. Jordin Sparks chose “If we Hold On Together.” Dianna reminded Jordin about her projection and stated that she exhibits star quality – an inner light. She looked gorgeous. I loved the song. She was just incredible. Randy said it all, “You just made it a 3 girl race with Lakisha and Melinda. Impressive.” Paula called her “a breath of fresh air” and “beautiful.” Simon felt it was a little bit “gooey”, but that it was a “very, very good vocal.” He told her she “absolutely put herself in a shot of being in the finals.”

After yet another love shot for the sponsors, we were treated to a recap of all the performances. This just reiterated just how incredibly b.a.d. some of them were.  You could just hear another nail being hammered into the coffin. Somebody has to go….who will it be? Again, I’ll fathom a guess and say it will probably be Brandon….although it SHOULD be Sanjaya. Who can tell what will happen as America has proven herself to be fickle AND tone deaf.
Tomorrow, Dianna Ross herself will perform.  Will it be a Supreme performance? Until tomorrow…….

AMERICAN IDOL — WHAT AN UPSET!!!

Moment of truth….who will stay and who will go? You can feel the tension even before the show begins. The camera pans over the nervous contestants while it is being announced that “the ultimate prize is at stake here.” I’ll say one thing – this show has mastered the art of the dramatic build-up so, without any further adieu or introduction, the dreaded group song. The song du jour was Stealer’s Wheel “Stuck in the Middle with You” with each contestant being given their own little “solo” spot. Thank God for DVR…….fast forward, fast forward……. “Who will they be stuck with in the top 12?” Hopefully somebody who can come up with better jokes than that, Mr. Seacrest.  Ryan, looking like a funeral director in a black pin-striped suit, black tie and white shirt (or maybe he was trying for that “Maitre’ d” look), teased the audience with the “important Idol announcement” and “Carrie Underwood will be performing.” After letting us all know that 37 million votes came in, we were treated to a rehash of the good, the bad and the ugly from earlier in the week.  Some were worth a second look but the others only served to make me wonder for the zillionth time HOW they got this far.

Lakisha and Blake were the first two to be called down. “One of you will work with Dianna Ross next week and one is in the top 12.” SAFE. Duhhhhhh. Chris Sligh was up next. Asked by Ryan if he thought he made the top 12, he answered “For fear of looking stupid, I’ll say I hope.” Ryan, puppet master extraordinaire, decides to help Chris’ anal orifice pucker and gonads retract by telling him he has to wait until after the break. Talk about pulling the hair out of your nose one by one. After the break when Chris was told he was safe, you could almost hear his gonads snap back into place. Whew. Jordin Sparks was next. Safe. Who is getting the ax? Phil is center stage. Dude….if you are going to purposely go bald, then what is with the hats? Those things you’ve been wearing look like a condom sitting atop a big penis. Either show the dome or grow your hair but lose the hats! He is safe and looked quite shocked about it. I know he thought he was going home after that terrible rendition of the LeAnn Rimes song. You got a free pass so make the most of it. No more wimpy songs, ok? Jared was next and much to his surprise, he is going home. He’s not a bad singer and Randy gave some great advice about originality. I don’t think that Beaver Cleaver sweater he wore on Tuesday night helped his case any either. Now the – yuck, yuck, yuck – exit song. I still wonder what would happen if someone just flat out refused to sing it. It’s not like they can be fired. During the song, the requisite close-ups of the tear-stained faces of those who are staying and those who have yet to face the music were shown. Nice close up of Antonella in tears (realizing denial really IS a river in Egypt?). Paula was on her feet dancing so I guess you could say he went out with a bang.

Back from the break and right into the -cha CHING – American Idol challenge. Which former AI contestant has a current #1 album? The choices were Ace Young, Chicken Little Covais and Chris Daughtry. Can you say duhhhhhhh? It’s an easy question but the odds of winning are worse than the multi-state, mega-ball lottery. After the plug that puts more silver into Simon Fuller’s pockets, they finally got back to the nervous contestants. Next up was Brandon and Melinda. Brandon was iffy but we all knew Melinda wasn’t going anywhere. Prolonging the drama, Ryan asked “Do you think there’s room for 2 back-up singers in the top 12? The vote is in…..yes there is.” A very relieved Brandon and Melinda got to sit down. Now on to Gina and Chris Richardson who are both nervously holding hands and awaiting the verdict. It’s a good thing they get along as they’ll be spending a lot more time together. Another nerve-wracking break while the show segues into a “this is your life” commentary on Carrie Underwood, followed by a special performance by the lady herself. What a difference a week makes…Kelly Pickler v. Carrie Underwood. Is there any comparison? Ms. Barba….are you listening? This is what a real American Idol sounds like. Do you honestly think you measure up? We will soon find out as she takes center stage with Stephanie. Antonella looks nervous as hell and with good reason: America voted…..she is going home. Actually, I’m a little surprised because I thought she’d skate through a little longer on her looks. America has not exactly been on the mark this season, but I stand corrected. My faith has been restored but certainly not for long. Haley and Sabrina face the music next. Ryan pulls no punches, “One of you is staying and one of you is going home.” When Ryan told Haley she could sit down, you could almost hear the collective gasp from the audience – AND from the judges. Even Haley herself looked shocked because she just knew she was going to go. And based on all her past performances, she should have. Ryan asked Randy (who, if you ask me, looked really, really pissed off) if he thought the right decision had been made about Sabrina and he said that she belonged in the top 12. He said that America made a mistake.  Dawg, you got it right on with that one.   I guess I’ll be passing out the Miracle Ears after all. This was one of the few times I was glad for the exit song…..she kicked it and showed America that it did, indeed, make a huge mistake.

After the commercial break, the big Idol announcement was made. American Idol is giving back and using the power of the show to address the extreme poverty children live in all over the world, including the US. Simon and Ryan have already traveled to Africa and there were some great video shots of them interacting with the children. Simon is a big mush after all. For laughs, there was a great shot of Ryan trying to balance a huge wooden bowl full of bananas on his head. The funny part was that the bowl was almost as big as he is. Randy announced he will be traveling to Louisiana and the areas still hurting from Katrina. On Tuesday, April 24th, the top 6 will perform the theme of “inspirational songs”, and for every vote cast, the show’s sponsors and Ford will donate money to this charity.  I just wish they would have said how much.  On Wednesday of that week, the viewers will also be able to directly contribute through a toll-free line or the internet. For more details, americanidol.com.

The moment of truth is up for Sanjaya and Sundance. One will be taking the final place in top 12. Is it Sundance or Sanjaya? “We’ll find out live after the break.” So they get to stand there for another 5 bowel-liquidating minutes. You could see them clenching their cheeks together. Sanjaya looked like he was about to projectile vomit all over Ryan’s black suit. Holy shit: My theory about music since MTV turned pussy has been proven….America hates anything that isn’t commercially BO-ring.  In a direct competition between substance and pure fluff, the fluff will win every time.  I truly hope that Gina Glockson will be the exception to that rule, even though it is unlikely at this point that she will be the next Idol.   Sundance is going home and Sanjaya, whose showing has been – at best – boring – is staying. Paula was speechless. Simon was asked what happened and he replied, “The volume was turned down.” I think so. Do people really LISTEN to the music anymore? Or do they just sit with the volume off looking to see who is wearing what?  I’ll miss Sundance. He really showed his chops these last two weeks and I don’t care what anybody says, his rendition of Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy” was kick ass. To add insult to injury, we are all treated to a trip down memory lane for those voted off contestants. I particularly loved the shot of Simon telling Sundance after his audition that he would be surprised if he didn’t make the finals.  Was that Fox’s way of letting the voters know that they are tone deaf?

Next week the contestants will be working with Diana Ross. In the meantime I will fill up my sack, jump on my magic carpet and deliver a miracle ear to each and every member of the voting public. I’ll even include the batteries. Until next week.