The Trainwreck named Britney

Britney, Britney, Britney….make up your mind girl. In rehab…out of rehab. In rehab…out of rehab. Long hair, short hair….blonde, brown and now – dun dun DUN – bald!! This girl is a mess. A trainwreck. You know, it’s ugly but you just have to keep looking.

When did her life begin the eternal journey down the gigantic gold-plated toilette? The break-up with Justin? Marrying that cheap gangsta wannabe K-fed? I’ll say one thing for him, he does clean up well. Or is the pathetic mess that is Britney only serving to make him LOOK like he’s cleaned up well. Time will tell I guess. Maybe he’s seeing just where believing in your own publicity lands you. Truthfully – and don’t whack me for this one – I think he’ll do well by his kids. Maybe he’s learning by the mistakes of his notorious ex-wife. At least he wears his drawers when he goes out in public.So, Ms. Spears has left K-fed. Can’t blame her for wanting to blow off some steam; have a good time. What does she do? Teams up with the always annoying Paris Hilton for a few weeks of non-stop, party-till-you-puke antics reminiscent of the high school football team after winning the big game. Sorry ladies, but publicly blowing chunks and flashing your over-used twats in public does not give most men a hard-on. Nor will it get you custody of the kids, good taste or a sparkling personality. It will, however, guarantee you a centerfold in the National Enquirer and the never-ending respect of every redneck ever to grace a trailer park. Something to aspire to.

So after spending a few weeks as Ms. Hilton’s lap-dog, she is suddenly in love again. Isaac something-or-other. A male model. A jewish K-fed. I may be out of touch with the early twenties pop culture, but until taking up with Ms. Spears, I had never heard of this guy. For a short time, it appeared that our leading lady may be cleaning up her act. She started wearing underpants again. And a bra. Her hair began to look like real hair. A photo surfaced of her actually spending time with her children and she adopted a cute little dog (who I hope she doesn’t arbitrarily decide to give away when she gets tired of it like she did her others. Hey Brit – if you DO decide you don’t want that little dog anymore, I’ll be happy to give it a good home). Ok, so maybe she is deciding to clean up her act. Could it be? And then……………….

Spoke too soon. Issac out of the picture. More party stories and a TMZ video of Britney exiting an SUV with a puddle of vomit on the floor. Could it be? You’d think that after all this partying she would be able to hold her liquor. Maybe it’s all those fancy schmancy designer drinks she’s been imbibing. Gimme some plain ol’ Jack Daniels any day. It may go down hard, but at least it stays there. So she’s back to her new old tricks again. What? A moment of clarity? Checking into rehab? Checking out again. Remember that admitting to being an alcoholic does not mean that drugs are OK. I imagine that when they informed her of that, she split before they found her stash and took it away. A drug is a drug is a drug. Get it. Her mind is slowly turning to mush. After returning to LA, she exhibits a new level of insanity and shaves her head. I cannot imagine what was going through her mind. Did she have this yearning to be Sinead O’Connor? A Hari Krishna?  Does she have some deep-rooted Mr. Clean fetish? Or is she merely crying out for attention? Or help? And then I hear she went into rehab again. And checked out again. The MO doesn’t change – just the location.  And this just in……..she is back in rehab!  Lord woman, stay put!

I’ve never been a fan but this lady is on the highway to hell. And it really pains me to see it. It wouldn’t suprise me in the least if she is the next casualty of living life in the fast lane. Britney, GET A FUCKING GRIP. Your career is half-way down the shitter and you probably won’t see your children again until they graduate. At this point, you are but one small step from either the trailer park from whilst you came or the grave. Here is a piece of well intended advice. Go to rehab. STAY IN REHAB. Learn to choose your friends wisely. Heed your momma’s warning about wearing clean underwear (hint — going commando is OK only if you know how to get in and out of vehicles without announcing it to the world.) Stay away from men who’s career would benefit from being seen with Britney Spears. Translation:  find a guy who has a career in his own right and his OWN MONEY. Take parenting classes. In other words — grow up. Act like an adult. You have 2 children that need their mother. NOT a nanny, babysitter or personal assistant. Their mother. AND their father. Recess is over girlfriend. Time to get real.